The Office

Almost one year of hardships and inner suffering. It was on the summer of 2010 when fate slowly took away my happiness, my dreamed life, and my planned future. I knew it will come but I never expected it will happen that hard and that painful. My life was a big mess.

The whole summer, I would always go home late after having myself burdened with lots of mental and physical workloads in that small and cramped office. Time is running out for my stay in that institution. I must finish all my obligations and responsibilities before I leave that office. I need to put things in their proper places and must see to it that my replacement could effectively and efficiently continue and manage the things I had already initiated.

My routine of coming home late and tired was intentional so that upon arriving I could easily fall in a deep sleep and that no worries, fears and doubts could hold me back from having a decent rest. Tomorrow, and the succeeding days, will be another days of wearing a mask and putting on a fake smile.

That small and cramped office. . .

I can still remember how I struggled and strived harder on my way to handling that office. How I planned in my head the promising changes I will bring to the institution the moment I become triumphant in my fight for political supremacy. But perhaps, life has other plans for me. It has its own way of manipulating expected outcomes. I was almost there. I almost got it. Then little by little, it slipped away from my bare hands, together with the last drop of my remaining hope.

It is so painful to see how the things I have achieved gradually vanish right before my eyes and there is no option left for me but to openly accept it and let it go. I never cried and how I wish I have been emotionally weak so that I could unload the unbearable weight inside me even just in crying. It is so difficult for a dispirited person to have no choice but to be strong.

Sometimes I would just think that maybe it is true, that if something is destined for you, it is really for you no matter how much you ignore or run away from it. Or that no matter what you do, how much effort you give and how fast and far you have run after something, if that is not intended for you, you will never get it or perhaps you may have it but life has a means of taking it away from you.

I envied superheroes and how I dreamed we share the same genes. How I wish, like them, I had supernatural powers to do different remarkable things at the same time at different places. So that I could avoid compromising the things I am obliged doing over the things I love doing. Unfortunately, I am only human. I get physically, emotionally and mentally tired. I get pressured and off tracked. At times, I become too emotional and irrational. I became incapacitated in balancing my priorities. With all those emotional anguish and mental tortures I have suffered, I lost concentration with what I am supposed to be doing first. Thus, I ended up losing both my desires and my responsibilities.

I blamed my stupid self, the people who pushed me too hard to be in that edgy spot, the supervening circumstances I have no total grasp of - but never my family and God. Deep in my heart, I believe there must be reasons why it happened and why me of all people. And perhaps one of those causes is my own careless self. The premature choices and biased decisions I made became my waterloo that led to wasted efforts. I already had the idea that if I would still go on walking in that jagged and dim road, I might lose the right tract and travel in the wrong direction, but I took the risk of continuing and in doing so, I need to sacrifice something.

Later in that journey, I have realized many things. Perhaps it was my choice to fail and that I could have done something to prevent it. Maybe it was a matter of correctly choosing the more important priority when you are in front of crossroads. In my case, I chose both. And in choosing both, I have apportioned inadequate efforts and insufficient time on the one that needed those most. The one prospered but the other one tumbled. I accepted the risks and later I reaped the life changing rewards of choosing the wrong path.

And the most difficult part of it is how to tell my family about it. I was really scared to death, not because of what other people would say about me and my unfortunate fate but because of the grief, disappointments and frustrations that I will definitely cause my family. I have no idea how to approach them. I do not know when the right timing is. And worst, I do not know how they will take it.

Then I remembered that the truth will set us free. But how will I say the truth without hurting anybody especially the people I dearly love? How will I disclose to my family that I failed and lost my hundreds of thousands scholarship, when all my life I am an achiever? Will they believe me If I say that my subjects are very difficult, when they really know and believe that given enough time, resources and focus, I can make it? Will they believe me if I reason out that I got burned out in studying when I always go home late for academic reasons? How will they react if I say that on the opening of classes they can longer see me in white uniform? These thoughts tormented me the whole summer. It was even more painful when you have lots of questions and you are clueless with the answers.

But God has his own way of easing my problem and indeed prayers can move mountains. It took tons of courage for me to tell them everything that happened to my academic life. What I cannot disclose verbally, I put into writing. And when they had known about it I have not received any resentment from them, in all good faith, they had accepted me and my failures. They never judged me for all my mistakes, shortcomings and weaknesses. I never heard any single word of blame nor condemnation. Instead, they supported me while I am recovering from all my loss. They stood behind me while I am picking up the pieces of my broken self. They became the source of my inner strength.

I can now sincerely smile and laugh after all those storms that derailed my trail. I have learned the true lessons of life - that choice is a gift given to everyone, a powerful gift that can change our lives. Things change for the better when we take responsibility for our own thoughts, decisions and actions. Failure is only a fact when we give up. Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will we get back up?

It is true that I have failed and that I have let myself and my ship sink in the middle of its journey. But I believe I am not a loser. I am not a quitter. For I never let myself drowned and settled at the bottom of the dark sea. I swam harder to reach the surface and be able to breathe again and see and feel the promising light of the sun. I swam and swam, and gave my powerful strokes amidst the undulating waves, the freezing waters and the dangers of the sea, until I reached the shore.

Now, I became even stronger than before and I am now ready to face the cruel world and start a new life full of hope. In that darkest night of my life I saw the stars which eventually guided my way towards self restoration. My failure became an opportunity for me to look at life in a different perspective. I was able to know how much my family loves and understands me. It strengthened my faith. It made me see who my real friends are. And most importantly, it became a test and proof of my character.

No more regrets. No more what if’s. No more self-blaming and pointing fingers. I no longer ask myself why bad things happen to good people or why good things happen to bad ones. Likewise, I stopped looking back at the closed doors instead I focused on the newly opened ones. For it may sound a cliché, still, it is true that life is what we make it. We are the ones who create our own destiny. And in the arena of life, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. In all those battles, win or lose, stronger warriors emerge ready to face the battleground’s unending challenges. Life maybe unfair and unkind but it is up to us how we are going to use those adversities to grow up as wise, renewed and restored individuals.

Special thanks to Ivy, Vera, Carol and Alvin. They are the people who were with me before, during, and after my wounded battles. To my family and friends, my resilience is dedicated to all of you. To Ma’am Glo, my favorite high school teacher, who said that I was never a failure and never will be – thank you Ma’am. To the people who did something to bring me down, thank you too but I am so sorry, you can never permanently bring me down. I am the only person in this world aside from God, who can permanently bring my own self down. To God, I owe you the greatest lessons of life, the gift of wisdom, the exceptional strength and the wonderful experience of failing and rising again.

Now, as I open a new chapter of my life to a different endeavor, I can still remember the feeling when I got kicked out from the College of Medicine and when I was not able to finish my term as the president of the supreme student council of my alma mater. As I look back, I can still vividly remember how I let go of that office.

That small and cramped office that witnessed the story of how I reached the shore and how I became a stronger warrior. . .

That small and cramped office that changed my whole life and made me a better person. . .

That small and cramped office that became my classroom when life taught me one of its greatest lessons. . .